Ice Drops
by Sarifina Filth
Summary: Near seemed so emotionless when L died, so cold. Yet deep inside, he felt a regret no one could even begin to understand.


**Ice Drops**

I could hear the words coming out of Rogers's mouth, but I couldn't understand them. I was a genius, and yet I couldn't understand a word this man was saying! L was… dead? Impossible! L was invincible, unbeatable, how could he have died? He was the only man on this Earth that deserved my respect, my love. Yes, I loved L like he was my older brother. Someone who came before me, accomplished everything before me, someone whose reputation I needed to live up to.

So how could L have died? He was better than me, smarter than me, more cautious than me. Something must have happened; something must have made him careless. Or maybe he was ganged up upon, he drove his prey into a corner and they lashed out. Either way, the L I admired, loved, strove to be… was gone.

The idiot beside me lashed out, angry at the news as if it were Rogers's fault this happened. It wasn't. I knew this, so there was no point in getting angry, even so…

I dumped my puzzle on the ground, and began again, fitting piece after piece after piece where it belonged. Slowly, rhythmically, I began to reveal the larger picture as I tried to piece my mind back together again. Each piece making a snapping sound as it clicked into place. I realized I was putting them in a little to forcefully, but I was never one to get caught up on trivial details.

L was gone.

**SNAP**

Some idiot killed him.

**SNAP**

He now needed a successor.

**SNAP**

I was next in line, with Mello having run out.

**SNAP**

My next case would involve L's killer.

**SNAP**

I could avenge him.

**SNAP, SNAP, SNAP**

I pushed each piece into place, unable to think anymore of L. The emotional fool, Mello, had run out me, went out to get killed looking for L's murderer, he was no longer my concern. Even so, he may end up in my way. He had let his emotions get the better of him.

I picked up my puzzle board and left the room silently. I always found my room to be the most comfortable place to think, and thinking was what I was good at, unlike another idiot that comes to mind. Mello was always so rash, he needed to keep his emotions in place.

I dumped my puzzle on my room floor and began again.

**SNAP**

People never considered me emotional, in fact, they considered me cold. Emotionless.

**SNAP**

Mello would likely think the same based on what had transpired merely minutes ago. But he was wrong.

**SNAP**

They were all wrong.

**SNAP**

True, I did not care very often, however, where L was concerned, I did.

**SNAP**

Here I was, calling Mello an idiot, whereas in this instance, he was faster than me to grab the information.

**SNAP**

It wasn't that I did not care, but rather that I couldn't comprehend what was happening as fast as Mello could.

**SNAP**

Here, I wasn't afraid to admit I'd lost to him. I just… couldn't accept L's death…

**SNAP**

I…

**SNAP**

Couldn't….

**SNAP**

Believe…

**_~DRIP~_**

I paused at the unusual sound. Water? Was there a leak in my room?

_**~Drip~**_

I looked down at the small droplet that landed on my puzzle piece. How odd.

_**~DRIP~**_

I tentatively reached down to taste the little droplet, in hopes of understanding where it had come from. It was salty. That was really peculiar, I hadn't been to the beach in... for a while. Though, it was almost as if…

_**~DRIP~**_

I reached up to my face, to hopefully deny the possibility. But that wasn't the case, for I felt the little droplets form in my eyes, then roll their way down to the floor.

_**~DRIP~**_

At first, they were mere, single droplets, and then they soon became a steady stream, flowing down my face until my puzzle was soaked.

I was crying.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried, it's been so long. The sting in my nose and eyes felt foreign, and the salt so strange. So this was what it felt like to cry? It felt so… cold. I was so cold inside, so broken. It was like an icy hand just grabbed my heart. I attempted to identify the chemicals being released in my body to infuse that sort of reaction… but my mind seemed to have stopped working. I ached everywhere, and my head was no longer numb.

I wished to end this experiment; no longer did I desire to feel what tears were like. They hurt, and I wanted it to stop. I wished to return to that numb, shocked state I was in before. Where I couldn't comprehend anything, where I didn't have to suffer this. I was happy to be considered cold now, it was better than this! Was this what it was like to be an emotional idiot? Bearing these feelings all the time, openly displaying them to the public?

I realized I'd strayed from the facts, trying to deny them. I had learned quite a bit about grief, and the first step was accepting the death. L was d… NO! I-I couldn't. It hurt. It hurt to try to do this anymore, I didn't want to! I wanted to stop this! I began to wail pathetically in my mind. It… It… hurt…

I realized I had involuntarily rolled into a ball, my knees drawn up to my chin. I felt very much like a child at that time. A hopeless, helpless child; unable to fight the life ticking away from us in every second.

Then again…

Isn't that what L did? In every breath he took, he fought to preserve every precious moment in those lives, even the lives of criminals. I knew he'd only regret being unable to stop another killer.

But I could do it for him…

I could help L rest in peace. I could protect this world for him. I may not be able to do as good a job as him, but it would surely be sufficient.

I would be N.

* * *

**Authors Note:**

**YUP! Yet another grief fanfic over L's death. I just was so torn up for so long after he died, that when I finally found an outlet for my sadness, I pounced on it.**

**This fanfic in particular was just a way for me to attempt to leave my hatred for Near behind. If you've read my other fanfic "A Chance for Change", you know how I feel about Near.**

**But Hatred just leads to more hatred.**

**Review if you liked it, but there wont be any more chapters. Sorry...**


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